Unmasking Narcissism: The Relationship Pattern That Will Leave You Heartbroken

If you’ve ever faced the crushing blow of being discarded by a narcissist and found yourself drowning in a tidal wave of emotional abuse, know that you’re not alone. I understand the pain, and my heart goes out to you.

This experience can be even more disorienting if you don’t understand what happened to you and are left wondering what went wrong. 

Unmasking narcissism and bringing the relationship patterns and manipulative tactics narcissists use to light is an important step in the healing process. Once you can name what you have gone through, you will be empowered to protect yourself from further abuse and move forward.

First, it might be helpful to know what kind of narcissist you are dealing with…

TYPES OF NARCISSISTS

1. Grandiose/Overt: this is your garden variety narcissist. They exhibit stereotypical narcissistic behavior and can be entitled, arrogant and charming.

2. Covert/Vulnerable: The covert narcissist is more difficult to spot because they tend to mask in such a way that they can appear humble, more introverted, and quieter. They tend to be hypersensitive and defensive.

3. Neglectful: This type of narcissist is only there when they need something from you. Otherwise they are MIA.

4. Self-Righteous: They can tend to be fixated on being right and perceived as good. They tend to be judgmental, rigid, moralistic, and black-and-white and their thinking. 

5. Communal: They are do-gooders who appear to have a strong, moral code and a deep sense of right and wrong. They can appear generous and quick to serve others. However, they are motivated by the need to gain social control and elevate their self image.

6. Malignant: They are the most dangerous form of narcissists and often have features that overlap with Antisocial Personality Disorder. They can be cruel and vindictive. They are more likely to be physically abusive and disregard the safety of others.

At the core of each of these types of narcissism is a fragile ego that the narcissist is trying to protect with various defense mechanisms. It is the need to protect a fragile ego that drives the following relationship pattern.

THE NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

PHASE 1: IDEALIZATION

In the first phase of our relationship, the narcissist may have you on a pedestal. This is the period of the relationship when they are most likely to utilize love bombing, showering you with excessive adoration.  They may sweep you off your feet with grand gestures in order to gain your trust and compliance. 

If you do anything to cause narcissistic injury, leaving their fragile ego feeling threatened, they will move to the next stage of the relationship

PHASE 2: DEVALUATION

This is the tipping point in the relationship when they begin to devalue you. You have fallen off of the pedestal. They may become critical and attacking or simply withdraw attention and affection. 

This is the stage where you may begin to experience them using DARVO, a gaslighting tactic that can send you into a tailspin of confusion. DARVO stands for deny, attack, reverse role of victim and offender.

If you come to them with a topic you would like to address that makes them feel threatened. They will…

Deny the accusations

Attack you and

Reverse the role of Victim and Offender

PHASE 3: DISCARD

At this face in the relationship, the narcissist completely rejects you and pushes you away. They may move on to find a different source of narcissistic supply.

If they decide eventually they want to re-engage the relationship, they will demonstrate some of the original love bombing behaviors or possibly antagonistic behaviors or guilt trips to try to lure you back into contact and/or relationship. This is called hoovering, because just like a Hoover vacuum, they tried to suck you back in. 

The cycle goes on and on, leaving you, worn down, exhausted, confused, and heartbroken.

Here is the reality, this pattern will likely never stop until you do something to stop it.

The good news is, you can stop it. You can take back your power and break the toxic and devastating cycles of emotional abuse.

Check out my next blog, Reclaiming Your Power From a Narcissist: How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Are you ready to break free from relationships that are holding you back?

If so, our new Recovery curriculum, Free to Thrive is for you!
This survivor-developed, trauma-informed curriculum provides a compassionate and comprehensive pathway towards self-discovery and personal growth.