4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Twenty

Friends, when I was twenty, I was the hottest of messes!  My life was like an episode of The Jerry Springer Show.  Legit.

These are a few of the things I wish I had known back then…

1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Thank you, Dr. Maya Angelou, for this nugget of wisdom.  Oh, how much pain I could have saved myself if I had this insight and the courage to walk away from certain people the first time they revealed their true character. Instead, I kept going back, dreaming of their potential and wishing, against all evidence to the contrary, that they would do better next time.  I have heard it said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Once a person demonstrates that they have poor character or are untrustworthy, take it as your cue to either move on or set boundaries.  If the person is someone you are dating, do yourself a favor and cut things off before you invest any more time or allow more access to your heart.  If the person is a family member, co-worker, or someone you will continue to see, you can protect your heart with new boundaries and expectations.  For example, adjusting the amount of time you spend with them, personal information you share, or walking away or ending a phone call when a conversation feels toxic or emotionally unsafe.

2. Forgiveness is given, trust is earned

This idea is deeply connected to the previous thing I wish I knew.  I believed that forgiveness was a good and noble thing and did my best to be a generally forgiving person.  However, I did not understand that because I forgave someone did not mean that I had to continue to be in relationship with them.  Looking back on the way I dealt with hurt in relationships, forgiveness translated to: “I will stuff the pain I feel about what you did so we can resume our relationship.  I am afraid of losing you, so I will rush to ‘put the past behind us’ and hope for the best, meanwhile, putting my heart at risk again.”

In reality, many of the people that I was dealing with were not safe people.  They had not earned my trust, in fact, they had broken it.  Now, I understand that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.  And reconciliation without recovery or genuine efforts to change can be dangerous.

3. No is a complete sentence

I was a people pleaser to the max.  One of my best survival strategies growing up in a chaotic household was keeping the people around me happy by being cheerful and agreeable.  I tried to control the emotional tone of my home with an upbeat attitude.  Abusive boyfriend, same strategy.  In the strip clubs, people-pleasing was in the job description and “no” wasn’t really a word we got to say very often.

These experiences might land me on the extreme end of the spectrum, but I would venture to say that women of all backgrounds can relate to being pushed into people-pleasing.  We are taught that nice girls don’t cause too much ruckus.  They aren’t too demanding.  They are nurturers and caretakers who put the needs of others first.

Saying “yes” to one thing, means we are saying “no” to something else. My incessant need to people-please and my fear of telling people “no” meant that I allowed my life to revolve completely around the wants, needs and feelings of others.  There was no room for “me” in my own life.  I said yes to allowing myself to get sucked into drama, chaos and even abuse.  This meant I was essentially saying “no” to things like self-care, paying attention to my feelings, and setting healthy boundaries with the people around me.

Including “no” in my vocabulary was an incredibly empowering and life-changing thing.  “No, I will not drop everything to “rescue” you every time your life spins out of control”. “No, I won’t be able to work your shift again and forgo my one day off”.  “No, I will not continue to engage in a conversation with you when you talk to me that way”.  “No, as much as I would like to accept your invitation, I will not be able to make it this time”.

No is a complete sentence. In many cases, we don’t even need to back up our “no” with a reason.  Often, we try to help people accept our “no” with lengthy explanations that are designed to make them more accepting of our answer.  Healthy people who care about you are going to accept your “no” without all of the added excuses.

Nobody died because I said “no”.  In fact, I have discovered a whole new life on the other end of “no”!  I am better rested, have healthier relationships and I am able to respond to the needs of people around me out of a place of overflow rather than obligation.

4. Start saving for retirement…TODAY

Seriously!  When it comes to retirement, it is never too soon to start (Or too late). Broke as a joke?  Start small! Every bit counts!  Getting up there in age?  It’s never too late to start. 

Financial advisor, Dave Ramsey, explains how a person who invests $2,000 a year starting at 19-years-old and STOPS investing at 26-years old, will have $700,000 MORE when they retire than someone who starts investing $2,000 a year at 27-years-old and keeps that up until they are sixty-five!

The person in the first scenario will have invested $16,000 out of pocket and wind up with almost $2.3 MILLION at sixty-five.  The person in the second scenario will have invested $78,000 and will end up with $1.5 million at sixty-five.

If you are like me, the idea of saving for retirement might feel intimidating.  In my early twenties, I was in a boat load of debt and didn’t know a thing about Roth IRAs or mutual funds.  Once I learned, it was all much less daunting.  The books below are great starting points if you want to learn to start upping your financial game.  

These are just a few of the things I wish I knew.  What would you say to your younger self?

Love, Harmony

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At thirteen, after being abandoned by my mother one summer and left to take care of my younger brother, I became susceptible to a relationship that turned out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. I eventually found myself working in a strip club at the age of nineteen, and my boyfriend became my pimp, controlling my every move and taking all of my money.

Scars and Stilettos is my stark, honest, and ultimately hopeful story of how God found me in that dark, noisy place, led me back out, and prompted me to help others who are trapped as I once was. I hope to expose the realities of the commercial sex industry and inspire hope that freedom and healing are possible for those involved.