Not everyone is going to like you… and it’s really okay

Until my mid-twenties, I could not swallow the reality that some people just won’t like me.  If I sensed that someone was put off by me, I began a campaign to change their mind.  Surely, if they just understood my motives, or had a chance to get to know me better, I could convince them to like me.  What a waste of time!

I know I am not alone. We live in a world where just about everyone and their pets have a social media account where we get to create highlight reels of our best moments in life for the likes, comments and applause of others.  I have a few of these accounts myself and am absolutely guilty of not posting when I lose my patience with my tween or slip my maternity jeans back on because my pants still don’t fit, even though my baby is a year old.   Why?  I want people to like me so I show my best parts.  Ironically, I think people are so hungry for truth they would probably really appreciate the above mentioned post ideas! 

Signs you may care too much about what other people think

• You replay conversations in your head and analyze what kind of impression you made.
• You imagine conversations other people might be having about you.
• You have trouble telling people “no”. 
• You dissect people’s behavior to figure out what they think about you. For example, if they don’t respond to a text right away, like or comment on your post, or show up to your party, you take it as evidence they don’t like you.
• You let criticism crush you. Replaying negative feedback on a mental loop in your head, you allow it to damper your mood or affect your day.
• You let people’s praise build you up… a little too much. Compliments are great.  It’s normal to enjoy positive feedback.  But, it becomes dangerous when we allow it too much power over how we feel about ourselves.  
• We are hesitant to share thoughts, opinions, or interests that contradict or are different from those whose approval you are seeking.

I have done each and every one of these things.  For a long time, I chased after the approval of others and allowed it to define me. This behavior came from a deep place of insecurity.  I thought that if I could get people to like me, I could prove that I am worth loving. Once I began to truly love and appreciate who I am, with all of my quirks, strengths and weaknesses, the need for approval began to melt away. 

According to Jesus, the two greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Mark 12:28-31).  Our ability to love our neighbor is directly connected to our love for ourselves.  Here are a few of the things that helped me cultivate love for myself.

• I changed my self-talk. If I wouldn’t say something so unkind and critical to someone else, why would I allow myself to say/think it of myself?

• I made a commitment to quit comparing myself to others. They say that comparison is the thief of joy and I believe it.  Picking out the best qualities in others and measuring myself against them was a sure-fire way to get me in a funk.  So, I stopped doing that.

• I decided to be kind to myself. Sometimes this meant giving myself grace when I made a mistake.  Other times it meant doing something fun or resting when I needed to. 

Learning to love myself not only freed me approval addiction, but it helped me to be a more loving person to others.

There is so much freedom in accepting that I am not everyone’s cup of tea!  Plus, I drink coffee anyway.

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At thirteen, after being abandoned by my mother one summer and left to take care of my younger brother, I became susceptible to a relationship that turned out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. I eventually found myself working in a strip club at the age of nineteen, and my boyfriend became my pimp, controlling my every move and taking all of my money.

Scars and Stilettos is my stark, honest, and ultimately hopeful story of how God found me in that dark, noisy place, led me back out, and prompted me to help others who are trapped as I once was. I hope to expose the realities of the commercial sex industry and inspire hope that freedom and healing are possible for those involved.