The Pimp and the Narcissist: Unpacking the Culture of Exploitation

Pimps and narcissists have a lot in common.

Obviously, not all pimps are narcissists and not all narcissists are pimps, but a high percentage of pimps demonstrate highly narcissistic behaviors. 

In fact, the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) reads like a playbook for pimps.*

See for yourself…

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitative behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

And when you look at the characteristics of malignant narcissism, the description sounds eerily similar to some of the more sinister pimps I have encountered. 

Malignant Narcissists…

• Are adept at manipulating others to serve their own interests
• Can use charm, flattery or deceit to gain trust and compliance
• Disregard the safety of others
• Exhibit antisocial behavior
• Can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or do not get what they want

As a survivor of pimp-controlled exploitation and someone who has spent over two decades providing services to women who have been pimped/trafficked, I have noticed another unfortunate pattern…

Many of us leave our exploiters only to find ourselves in relationships with people with narcissistic tendencies. It is terrible to experience the realization that you are dating someone who treats you in a way that is eerily similar to the way your pimp treated you. 

Getting stuck in a pattern of relationships with narcissists makes sense for a few reasons…

1. It is a normal human tendency to fall into relationship patterns that are familiar to us. We can become desensitized to narcissistic behavior when it is normalized by previous relationships.
2. Some of the things that make us susceptible to exploitation are the same things that would make us susceptible to relationships with narcissists. For example, people with a history of trauma, those who did not experience emotional validation in childhood, and people in vulnerable situations or seasons of life. 
3. Of the main trauma responses, (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn) people with a tendency to fawn in response to trauma may have codependent tendencies. They may also be likely to put the wants needs and feelings of others above their own. Narcissists find this type of person particularly attractive for obvious reasons.

Beyond that, narcissists can be very charming. And their tactics can sweep the sturdiest among us off of our feet if we are not wise to their ways. 

So how did they get their hooks in us? The answer is most likely, love bombing. ♥️ 💣 

In the early stages of a relationship, they will shower you with attention and affection in order to gain your love, loyalty, adoration, trust or compliance. 

For example, they may…

• Make grand gestures
• Take you on extraordinary dates 
• Buy you expensive gifts
• Give you excessive compliments
• Future fake- talk about plans for the future, such as moving in together, getting married or having a family
• Try to get more time or commitment from you 
• Saying I love you early in the relationship, before trust is built 

If you think some of this sounds a lot like what a pimp or trafficker does when they are grooming their victims, you are correct!

It can be pretty easy to fall for, especially for those of us who grew up on Disney fairytales. We were raised on the intoxicating stories of Prince Charming. 

Even for those who do not have the tendency to idealize romantic relationships, it is easy to see how someone’s desire for connection and relationship can be manipulated through love bombing. 

I feel like this is a good time to tell you something important…

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

It is not your fault they took advantage of your vulnerabilities. 

It’s not your fault they manipulated you.

It is not your fault they emotionally (or physically) abused you.

This message is really, really important for you to internalize. Especially because one of the main tactics that narcissists use is one that tries to convince you everything is your fault. 

If you ever muster the courage to confront a narcissist about their behavior, you can expect a very classic gaslighting response known as DARVO. 

DARVO stands for:

Deny 

Attack

Reverse role of Victim and Offender

It might sound a little something like this…

That’s not true/that’s not what happened. (Deny)

You’re acting crazy. I actually think something might be mentally wrong with you. You need help. (Attack) 

I’m tired of all of these false accusations because of your trust issues. You’re trying to make me out to be such a villain when you’re the one causing all these problems. (Reverse role of victim and offender)

Their entire MO is to get you to think that you are the offender… That you are the problem.

For the people in the back…

It’s.  Not.  You. 

And once you can finally see through the narcissist and their gaslighting tactics, you cannot unsee it.

The more insight we have into the strategies and patterns of narcissists, the better equipped we will be to have relationships with them.

So here’s to eyes wide-open!

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*A diagnosis of NPD requires the presence of at least 5 of the 9 criteria